Found Vijay after 11 years....thanks to Orkut

My never ending searches finally paid. It was as if I was searching zillionth time for Vijay singh anjana on Orkut. As usual, I didn't find him this time, but I did find one Man singh anjana. It was Vijay singh's brother's name. I asked him if he was his brother. He wasn't his brother, but knew both of them somehow. He gave me their numbers and voila! I had found Vijay after 11 years! Other than Bhumika, he was the most treasured friend for me there, in those days. I never had a sleepover at any one else's place but his. We were together everywhere (he was in my standard too, so obviously it did put us together everywhere). Playing cricket, in hospital (that was three times, all three times my head was burst open by stones), while going home after schools (true that contradicts with my statement of me and Bhumika going home together. It was actually dependent on condition), on Birthdays (I remember he once bought me a plastic guerrilla, pressing whose stomach used to lighten its eyes. My mom, out of curiosity, opened it to see its anatomy that same day and it never worked again), on his shop (ironically, his uncle had a tube-well shop named 'Kamal bore wells'), at his home (he had a real big home right behind the bus-station, I never ever disliked going there, enjoying my moments of luxury I guess!) or while reading comics (I remember the last comics we read together, it was Parmanu's Automatic, in which he lifts a vehicle while flying).
I havent called him yet. Its 3 in night. But I will tomorrow, I surely will. I hope not only to talk to him after 11 long years, but to meet him too. It was 7 years after I met Bhumika, but it is 11 years after I will meet him. I hope to have 11/7 times more excitement this time! It is such a great feeling to find a friend after so long!
Oh and lastly, thanks Orkut Büyükkökten, for making Orkut.com, because of which I found Mamta (which in turn resulted in finding Ashish, Nikki, Ajeet and Khushboo), many others and now Vijay.

In other news, in music challenge of iLike on Orkut, I have achieved the rank of 'Music expert', with 2500 points under my belt. I answered 582 questions till now, out of which 276 (47.4%) were correct. Average response time 4.8 seconds.

A tribute to first love....and moving on

Anything tributary is usually written in the end, but I am writing it in the beginning. Reason- I wanted to end it before moving on. Despite of me having said that I was not going to write abuot Bhumika, I am writing this because all those who saw me as 'one woman man', or better to say as 'one girl boy', and appreciated for that (Oh I so recall Ravi tahiliani right now) will cry if I dont do this. So here, first I write a tribute to Bhumika.

A blurring memory she is, with aeons passed since I last saw her. A good companion, a better friend. I lost her because of some follies and tried to ger her back as hard as I could. After lingering on for long, I am finally moving on, when all doors are closed and hate is the only feeling she has left for me. I couldnt have said it better myself, so I use these lines from one of my favorite movies- 'Little Manhattan',

"Love is an ugly terrible buisness, practiced by fools. It will trample your heart and leave you bleeding on floor. But what does it give you really in the end? Nothing but a few incredible memories, that you can never shake. The truth is, there's gonna be other girls out there. But, I am never gonna get another first love. That one is always gonna be her."

So, I completed my tribute and am ready to move on. Hence, let is move forward with the juicy thing.....

It was a boring afternoon, as I was lying on the bed in hospital, waiting for the daily checkups, I saw a foreigner girl coming towards my ward. She went towards the nurse, showed a note and asked about 'Kamal'.
"Oh! That would be me." I said.
"Hi, Kamal. I am Rebecca."
It turned out that she was a member of the IIT Bombay foreign students association or something like that. They do some welfare too. They heard about me and my condition and all, and she came to wish me well.
She is from Sweden, and is, obviously, fair as milk. Now dont expect that I would write anything bad about her, so keep reading only if yuu want to know what happened next.
After talking a few minutes about all that I was going through, we moved on to different things. Whether call it good or bad, we are at extremes only about our dislikes or likes. Either we love the same thing (or hate) or either hate absolutely what the other one likes. For example, her favorite band is 'The corrs', which is same with me. But then again, she likes 'The Cranberries' and I think that all their songs other than 'Zombie' are crap. She absolutely loves 'Smallville', and so do I. But then again, I like 'Seinfeld' as I think it is one of the best TV series ever made, but she thinks its characters are unreal. In movies, we agree on 'Vanilla sky', but differ highly on 'Requiem for a dream', as I think it was really slow paced movie.
Then we talked about many other things, like girlfriends and boyfriends. I told her all the truth from my side and dont ask how she reacted. Guess from the fact that she too split from her boyfriend about half an year ago, before coming here (Oh thank God for that).
We talked for about one hour, before my checkup time came. As she was leaving, I somehow managed to ask this daring question- 'Will we meet again?' and well, what she said was rewarding. 'Sure, why not? Lets go to McD tomorrow evening and murder a big mac or two. Are you free?'
Although I was free, I could have cancelled anything to go with her.
I prepared a lot for that 'going out'. Shaved. got a hair cut, bought a new pair of dress and prepared a lot about what I was going to talk about.
"Are you ready?" Her call came exactly at 5pm.
"Yeah, absolutely."
"Good, cause I am standoing outside your hostel." So she proved that she did posses some sense of humor.
As I went out, I saw that gorgeous girl waiting for me. She was wearing knee-cut jeans and sleeveless T-shirt with something like hand version of leggings (sorry I dont know what they are called exactly).
Unfortunately, she was also wearing high-heeled sandles, with lesses rounded up high. No-no, they were absolutely fine as far as looking good is concerned. The problem was, when she came to hospital, I couldnt exactly compare her height with mine. I was afraid that she might be a CM or two taller than me (BTW, I measured my height after a long time and was surprised to see that I am 176CM now, and not 173 which I was about two years ago!). Those high-heeled sandles worried me more. But in the end, even with those 5-6CM high heels, she was only almost as tall as me. So without heels, I am about 3-4CM taller than her. Yippy!!!!!!. And those who say that it is fashion having taller female companion, citing Tom-Katie or Sarkozy-Bruni, I say I still prefer the old way, although I do believe that the difference should be minimal.
Before moving on, I would describe how she looks, as this is a good opportunity. She is kinda slim, which makes her look taller than she is. But then again, no one ever said that I was a fatass. Her color is, as I said earlier, fair like every girl (and some boys like me) dream of. Her hair are mostly blonde, with some brown ones here and there (I didnt ask if she colored them). She wears specs when she studies and hence obviously, she wasnt wearing them there. Needless to say, she is gorgeous.

We walked till McD, which was about 2 and a half KM from my hostel.
And for a surprise, and a huge one at that, her favorite topic for talking is video games! For a girl, that is really really strange, but I am so damn impressed. We even sang lines from 'Still alive' song from game 'Portal'-

"And then science gets done,
and you make a neat gun,
for the people who are still alive."

That was really beautiful.
Then we had a competition of drinking hot Espresso- that who would drink it faster. This, although debatable, I won.
After having a lot of fun, we came back at about 9:30pm. And when I was leaving, this time she asked- "Maybe we can do it again, this time somewhere funny."
Oh!!!!! How could I have asked for more.
"Yeah, of course. This Saturday."

And then I returned back, cheerfully.

So folks, this saturday, I am going to IMAX with her. how I became so lucky to be with such a gorgeous girl and so unlucky to have so little time remaining in life?
Yes, I do want to ask her that what she thinks about me, but as a guy who himself dosent know whether he is going to live more than four months, I cant take this risk. And then again, howsoever blur she may be, Bhumika is not totally out of my mind. I am trying hard to forget her, and Rebecca made it much much easier, but till I get both these things sorted out, I wont ask her anything.

Watering on settled dirt....just to end it officially

While writing this, I am listening to song 'where'd you go?' by 'Fort minor'. which contains these lines repeatedly-
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

As good as the song is, it reminds me of all that happened in last three and half years, within a moment. I have written about all that so many times that if I write again, it would be beating dead horse. Although I can argue that the same was true for my several tries, but thats another realm now.
Not that I was not pondering on that, but it was actually a call to Jyoti that made it all clear for me. She told me that Bhumika said her that if she was at Jyoti's place, she would have slapped her brother on doing such stupid things for a girl, asking why he just can't stop thinking about her. As subjective that statement can be considered, arguably it tells me the best thing to do.
So, here begins my last post about her. It has all ended now and what the call yesterday did was lighting my path.
Whenever I went to Chhoti sadri, to meet Jyoti or Sandeep, there was always a wish, howsoever small and howsoever far in the corners of my mind, that if only I could see her once. But now on, I curb this wish of mine forever. Whenever I will go there next time, if I will get time in my little remaining life, it will only be for my sister and my brother. No one else will exist there for me.
I kill this not because of any hate or anger towards Bhumika, but rather by realising that I have chased a mirage long enough. To say that I have no regrets of all that I did and happened, would be a lie. But to say that I wont regret them anymore, is as true as it comes.
It is strange that what ultimately taught me this was a very little statement made by her to Jyoti. I didnt learn when people told me that she was in relationship with some certain Manish in Indore, I didnt learn when she said it a thousand times that I was biggest mistake of her life. But what actually matters is that I know what to do, and in a better way actually.
Interestingly enough, in the playlist, now 'Ka-ching!' by 'Shania twain' is playing. Its lines-
'Can you hear it ring
It makes you wanna sing
It's such a beautiful thing--Ka-ching!'
are although said in a totally different context, somehow cheer me up. I dont have much time in life, but as much as it is, I hope it would be a little easier for I will stop thinking about her after a real real long time.
So Bhumika, I grant you your dearest wish. You wanted me to stop talking about you, or even thinking about you. So I will do. No one will again hear your name from my mouth, I wont think a single second about you and there is no way I will bother you again with anything silly. And once again I say, it is not because I hate you or anything like that. It is just that you wanted that and as a man who knows when his last breaths are going to leave, I grant you these. You were my friend for thirteen years, so it is the least I can do for you, although it is a bilt late. Hopefully you will be happy with Manish. I dont say this because I am jealous or am sarcastically questioning your character, but because I really mean it. May you get happiness forever.
So here, I leave all the thirteen years of frienship and one year of something more than friendship behind me, never to visit again. Wish me luck, wish me goodbye.

P.S.- Damn! Now 'Simon and Grafunkel' in their 'America' are saying-
Let us be lovers we will marry our fortunes together'.

Shut up! These wont change me, I have left it all behind. Pressing the next button......

So this is how it ends....she called and everything shattered

A showdown was expected, later if not soon. But I didnt expect it to end this way. From me getting her number and saving it, foolishly enough, in place of Urvara to me messeging her, again more foolishly, writing something which could have spinned all the way around, to her brother calling me, and me mistaking him for just another someone, to finally, she calling, it was one hell of a ride.

Last four days gave me some of the strangest (someone stranger knowing all about me) to most beautiful (lying on rooftop with legs hanging down at 1AM in night, watching stars and feeling breeze on a 7 stored building) moments I ever had.

The highlight was, obviously, her call. It was not, in no supposed meaning, amiable. Not that I didnt say anything I had to say, or that she didnt listen. But rather than this, I can put it this way that she is now gone too far to pardon me, let alone come back.
I told her everything, wrong nowhere. But since it wasnt a patching up call, it was all fruitless. She called to make sure that I dont call her again, which I obviously wont, and had a successful venture. I wont say that she was rude exactly, but as far as she was from this, she was farther from amiable. It hurt, it did hurt. But I cant do anything, as I did everything I could. I told her my intentions and hopes, dreams and fate, but nothing moved her.
I cant say that she is wrong either. No. She is correct in her point of view, and to some extent, in mine too. I can feel her anger everytime someone in streets takes my name while she is passing, and understand that she never thought it would come to this. No doubt that she thinks I am responsible for this, and I wont deny that either. I did some, or many, follies which lead to this. She asked, she wept and argued me to not do those. But still I did. I just couldnt understand what harm they were making to her, or could potentially make. But harm they did make and I am repenting them more than I ever did.
But I cant get answer to one question. Were they all so big that she cant even forgive me now, even when she knows where I stand and whats going on with me? I told her my condition and all she answered was that I deserved that!

In the end, all I can write is that it has ended and now, for the remaigning part of my life, I should not hope that she will show any positive vibe, let alone calling me.........

Must come in terms to this fact- she is no more here

It might not be an everyday thing that I study, or I game, or I call someone or even that I think about my future. But what happens everyday, every hour and in every moment of my life is that I keep thinking about her. Thousand of questions, conclusion and repents come in my mind. What I lost? Why cant I stop thinking? Why is so deep inside me? Whom I really miss? Why should I repent? Was all that my mistake? Why did I do this? What now? Will I ever be able to come terms with it? Will I see her ever again? Will she ever talk to me again? And so many more.
I have asked myriad people, discussed with many but what now comes out of those is nothing. No one ever faced a condition like me and no one will feel what I feel. A very common answer, or rather advice, that people give to me is that- 'She was one of many more who will come'. I dont understand. It leaves me nonplussed. Not about the authenticity of what they say or about whether I am that lucky or not. I am clear about these things. What makes me puzzled is the fact that after telling them all that, they didn't understand what I was really telling them. Is that a bloody competition or some award grabbing or some kind of compensation so that I will be happy when I get someone else? Do you really compare all your relations like that? To be honest, what I mourn about is not my girlfriend I lost, it is rather the friend I lost. We were friend from 13 years, 13 really good long years. We might have been detached for 7 years in between, but there was no time when I had forgotten her or she had forgotten me. When I met after all those years, they were some of the most beautiful moments of my life. It was all so beautiful, the rejoice of friendship in same sense it used to be 7 years ago. I, or rather we, recalled all moments we had spent together when we were little. Those fights and those plays, the climbing and falling, the swings and those rolls, that going to school with each other and coming back and every other sweet, sour and memorable moment.
What I am most ashamed of is the fact that it was me who ruined that precious friendship by taking it to next level. There are so many arguments initially I used to give me about this, and later other people started giving same arguments. That it is not really a bad thing to fall in love with someone else and that it was actually who called so much and put our relationship in danger. To me, now, these things dosent matter. Who was the one who first lost the track? who was the one who walked down that road first? Who was the one who started molding that beautiful friendship into something else? It was me. Now I realize that she wasnt really in love with me initially. The reason that she agreed was that I was just too precious for her to be lost, a too precious friend. So precious that she did pay the prize of whom later. I still remember her perplexed weeping when I proposed her. I didn't really understand it that day, but I know today why did she weep. She wasn't ready for that, she never thought of me that way. I was a real good friend for her, probably the best friend. She saw me on a path where there either we could go the way I was already headed or we could go back separately. She couldn't just let me go, so she said yes. I still recall what she said once again after a few days. She asked if we could be friends again. I didn't answer. I got angry. I couldn't see what tormenting she was facing inside, I was too short-sighted to see that. I was angry that how could one ask this after accepting the proposal? Now I realize how cruel I was on her. Now I wish I could go back to that moment and say to her that yes Bhumika, we can.
I disconnected her call without saying anything. She called again. She wept, said sorry. The irony was the even after being so tormented, she was the one asking pardon. Now I realize how precious she considered me.
It might be possible that she did start loving me, especially after seeing the events that followed. But does that matter to me now? Do I think that 'she was the one who called me everyday and wasted 15-20000Rs'? The answer is-Never. People, as I said, do console me by these statements about her wasting money and all.

The ultimate question that I face, from others and even from myself, is that what went so wrong that we went apart? The honest answer is- I don't know. I don't understand that why she started hating me so much when I was so precious to her? There are reasons, that I can think of, but they never mattered to her. She was with me after every hurdle, every setback, after every think that makes a reason for me. Be it her parents coming to know all about all those calls made and the debt remaining or be it me hurting her every time. She even remained with me when I thought it wasn't going to happen. My father went to her mom and smeared her in front of whole town, saying that she ruined his son's career. There was no way anyone was going to keep relationship with anyone, if that had happened to them. But she still called, after some days, and never asked any explained about all that happened.
If she treasured our relationship so much, then what so bad happened in the end that she turned her face completely away from me? The only incident that I recall was me going to her mom and, because of the way talks turned, telling her something I shouldn't have. But still, whatever I did, was nowhere as big as the propaganda my dad did. Then what else was there which I never knew of? Was there someone else? Or was there some misunderstanding? Whatever it was, she never gave me chance to explain. Or I might say that, I myself was responsible for that.

I remember the last time I talked to her (March 20th, 2005). She had never talked to me this way. Her words were- 'I hate you and nothing is possible in this lifetime' I kept asking her about the reason she was angry, and she kept saying that it dosent matter cause she dosent care about me anymore. Dosent care? Those were the words which probably hurt me most. There was a time when she cared more for me than anyone else, and then that was the time when she just didn't care!

All I ponder on now is 'why' she became so? What exactly was the reason? Not to say that I dont want her back. I want her back more than anything else in this world. And I dont want her back as a lover or girlfriend, I want the friend back whom I lost, I want our friendship of 13 years back. There is no day, no time when I don't wish that if only I could go back and keep the friendship alive. But after all I have tried, it really seems impossible in this lifetime. So all I realistically want to know is the reason why she became so cold blooded towards me, why she stopped caring.
But still, there is in some corner of mind, a voice that keeps telling me that my friendship was not so week, and it can overcome any hurdle. I don't know what the future holds, but one thing which has become clear in past 3 years, that I will never be able to forget her, the friendship which illuminated my life for a long long time and the care she did for me.