After thinking about it for about 2 years, after mulling over it for so long, I finally have arrived on the decision. What is it actually? I would start with some elaboration on the topic itself.
Everyone, at some point in his/her life, gets a fantasy if being all alone. The idea of being all alone, with no relatives, doing what you want to do and with no responsibility of anyone else, is sometimes very seductive. Most persons get over it soon, and it becomes less and less interesting as someone matures. Well….most of the time.
It probably started when I first watched ‘About a boy’. Not that the idea wasn’t there already. It was there for quite long, but in traces and pieces. After watching that movie, I strangely started thinking more and more about it. The prime reason, that I started thinking about it so much only after watching that movie, was that I could attach myself to the lead character- Will, from the movie. He was immature despite of his age, and so am I in many senses (my mom would agree whole-heartedly here).
But what took me so long to decide then, was that while Will was quite old, I am not. So there was a chance that I might become mature, in common sensual way. It would actually seem strange to most people, cause there is this perfectly stable argument that many more people at my age are just like me, careless and immature. That might be true, what problem with me is that I haven’t changed from last 4 years. I am the same as I was 4 years back. Obviously, I don’t mean it physically or academically. I am beckoning towards maturity.
It is so easy to see once you visualize yourself married. You have a family to take care of, there are so many responsibilities-of you and of others, there are children, there are family problems, there are increased chances of financial problems, you can’t give enough time to yourself and to what you like most (in my case, its Video gaming) and so many other problems. I know there are so many other blessings, if you have a family. They are your emotional support, moral net, they take care of you mutually and although I haven’t felt it, I can feel how heavenly it must be to take your child in your arms. And to many, these blessings far outweigh the problems. So true it might be. The dilemma I have doesn’t arise cause I think that goodies aren’t worth the hassle here, but because I am completely incompatible in handling the problems. I can’t even take care of myself, let alone others. I am so disorganized myself that it’s impossible for me to even think of organizing a family. I know I can’t, and I will never be able to take responsibility for something that big.
Secondly, there is obviously the fascination of being completely free, like a bird. No one to hold you back, from doing whatever you want to do. And nowhere to force you, for anything you didn’t want to do. There are no desires for others. All you need to do is for yourself; don’t have to justify your actions to anyone. Whole life becomes an adventure. Sure there would be many regrets when you will die, and no one will be there who carried your blood. But there would be far less regrets for things you wanted to do and you didn’t. There will be satisfaction that you lived your whole life as a child, with no hold barred. There would be chance of making the whole world your own, when you won’t have any of your own.
Not only that, it also removes many tensions which are now. There is an unsaid tradition that parents start looking for a suitable boy/girl for their children as soon as they hit 20-22 (which is earlier for girls in most of the times), and the child also has to groom himself/herself so that he/she gets the best one can think of. No need to say, this constant hope puts an unnecessary pressure on the child. Then as soon as you hit 25, and are still not married, hell breaks loose. I have seen relative of mine, who is about 30-31 and is desperate to get married. She earns fine and has a fine family, then why the rush? She is ready to marry almost anyone, just because she can’t take constant stares and questions from society and relatives anymore. How complicated things have become? What if there was no requirement of getting married? Do it if you want, don’t if you don’t? All I want to say here is that, if you decide not to get married, or get whenever you wanted, you will be far more relaxed now. All tension of becoming a high-earning lad just so that you get someone good, tension of doing what you don’t want to do and tension of wrapping everything up before 25 will be gone.
Still, someone can say it’s just spur of the moment thing, and that I would be thinking otherwise after 4-5 years. That just might be the case, but it doesn’t feel like that to me. It’s been over two years since I started thinking about it, and the decision I have arrived on is firm. I have decided not to get married,
ever.And also, it’s not the case that there is no one I want as my companion. There is someone whom I would like to be with me forever and ever, but I won’t be able to take care of her properly. I will be a disaster if we will be together. And it’s also not about changing. If it’s in my hand, I would change myself. But then, I won’t be me anymore. There is no denying that I like, and hate too, myself. All those are parts of who I am. If I change, and become a guy perfect for relationships, then obviously that won’t be me anymore. I also know that I won’t be able to hold her forever if I don’t decide to marry her, and that’s what troubles me most about my decision. But it’s also true that if I marry, it would be an absolute disaster. It won’t be the same beautiful thing it’s right now. It would become something much more complicated, something unimaginably tangled. I don’t want it to become like that, from what its right now.
In the end, these are my fascinations and my deficiencies that make it. But that’s me who, complimentarily, just not suited for this thing.
