It might not be an everyday thing that I study, or I game, or I call someone or even that I think about my future. But what happens everyday, every hour and in every moment of my life is that I keep thinking about her. Thousand of questions, conclusion and repents come in my mind. What I lost? Why cant I stop thinking? Why is so deep inside me? Whom I really miss? Why should I repent? Was all that my mistake? Why did I do this? What now? Will I ever be able to come terms with it? Will I see her ever again? Will she ever talk to me again? And so many more.
I have asked myriad people, discussed with many but what now comes out of those is nothing. No one ever faced a condition like me and no one will feel what I feel. A very common answer, or rather advice, that people give to me is that- 'She was one of many more who will come'. I dont understand. It leaves me nonplussed. Not about the authenticity of what they say or about whether I am that lucky or not. I am clear about these things. What makes me puzzled is the fact that after telling them all that, they didn't understand what I was really telling them. Is that a bloody competition or some award grabbing or some kind of compensation so that I will be happy when I get someone else? Do you really compare all your relations like that? To be honest, what I mourn about is not my girlfriend I lost, it is rather the friend I lost. We were friend from 13 years, 13 really good long years. We might have been detached for 7 years in between, but there was no time when I had forgotten her or she had forgotten me. When I met after all those years, they were some of the most beautiful moments of my life. It was all so beautiful, the rejoice of friendship in same sense it used to be 7 years ago. I, or rather we, recalled all moments we had spent together when we were little. Those fights and those plays, the climbing and falling, the swings and those rolls, that going to school with each other and coming back and every other sweet, sour and memorable moment.
What I am most ashamed of is the fact that it was me who ruined that precious friendship by taking it to next level. There are so many arguments initially I used to give me about this, and later other people started giving same arguments. That it is not really a bad thing to fall in love with someone else and that it was actually who called so much and put our relationship in danger. To me, now, these things dosent matter. Who was the one who first lost the track? who was the one who walked down that road first? Who was the one who started molding that beautiful friendship into something else? It was me. Now I realize that she wasnt really in love with me initially. The reason that she agreed was that I was just too precious for her to be lost, a too precious friend. So precious that she did pay the prize of whom later. I still remember her perplexed weeping when I proposed her. I didn't really understand it that day, but I know today why did she weep. She wasn't ready for that, she never thought of me that way. I was a real good friend for her, probably the best friend. She saw me on a path where there either we could go the way I was already headed or we could go back separately. She couldn't just let me go, so she said yes. I still recall what she said once again after a few days. She asked if we could be friends again. I didn't answer. I got angry. I couldn't see what tormenting she was facing inside, I was too short-sighted to see that. I was angry that how could one ask this after accepting the proposal? Now I realize how cruel I was on her. Now I wish I could go back to that moment and say to her that yes Bhumika, we can.
I disconnected her call without saying anything. She called again. She wept, said sorry. The irony was the even after being so tormented, she was the one asking pardon. Now I realize how precious she considered me.
It might be possible that she did start loving me, especially after seeing the events that followed. But does that matter to me now? Do I think that 'she was the one who called me everyday and wasted 15-20000Rs'? The answer is-Never. People, as I said, do console me by these statements about her wasting money and all.
The ultimate question that I face, from others and even from myself, is that what went so wrong that we went apart? The honest answer is- I don't know. I don't understand that why she started hating me so much when I was so precious to her? There are reasons, that I can think of, but they never mattered to her. She was with me after every hurdle, every setback, after every think that makes a reason for me. Be it her parents coming to know all about all those calls made and the debt remaining or be it me hurting her every time. She even remained with me when I thought it wasn't going to happen. My father went to her mom and smeared her in front of whole town, saying that she ruined his son's career. There was no way anyone was going to keep relationship with anyone, if that had happened to them. But she still called, after some days, and never asked any explained about all that happened.
If she treasured our relationship so much, then what so bad happened in the end that she turned her face completely away from me? The only incident that I recall was me going to her mom and, because of the way talks turned, telling her something I shouldn't have. But still, whatever I did, was nowhere as big as the propaganda my dad did. Then what else was there which I never knew of? Was there someone else? Or was there some misunderstanding? Whatever it was, she never gave me chance to explain. Or I might say that, I myself was responsible for that.
I remember the last time I talked to her (March 20th, 2005). She had never talked to me this way. Her words were- 'I hate you and nothing is possible in this lifetime' I kept asking her about the reason she was angry, and she kept saying that it dosent matter cause she dosent care about me anymore. Dosent care? Those were the words which probably hurt me most. There was a time when she cared more for me than anyone else, and then that was the time when she just didn't care!
All I ponder on now is 'why' she became so? What exactly was the reason? Not to say that I dont want her back. I want her back more than anything else in this world. And I dont want her back as a lover or girlfriend, I want the friend back whom I lost, I want our friendship of 13 years back. There is no day, no time when I don't wish that if only I could go back and keep the friendship alive. But after all I have tried, it really seems impossible in this lifetime. So all I realistically want to know is the reason why she became so cold blooded towards me, why she stopped caring.
But still, there is in some corner of mind, a voice that keeps telling me that my friendship was not so week, and it can overcome any hurdle. I don't know what the future holds, but one thing which has become clear in past 3 years, that I will never be able to forget her, the friendship which illuminated my life for a long long time and the care she did for me.
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