What nightmares may come.......

Ever thought what if you knew when you were going to die? Even if it was said that it would take 15 years, wont you count the days, the weeks and each Sunday passing?
And what if it was said that it would be 5-6 months? What would you count? Or would you stop counting? Wont you see your death lurking just around the corner? Obviously, you will. But more than seeing, it is a matter of feeling. Many of us, with their bravo, can say that it wont even tarnish the shine of their hopes. But those who say, just try being at that place for real. You still have your hopes high, all dreams still standing? Dreams of love, of friendship and hopes of those dreams?
Will you chersih every remaigning moment or will spend it mourning? Will every passing day remind you of upcoming end or will it be beautiful memory of wonderfully spent time?
Who knows?
Couple it with constant pains and tears. What if you spit out blood everyday and can't even breathe proerly? What if your body is cut open 3 times already and you take 100 pills and injections everyday? What if all you feel all the time, in every moment, is pain?
And then what when people who once cared about you, become so non-chalant towards you that it doesnt matter to them that what happens to you?
Is it a nightmare I am drawing? Probably not. Just my two cents on this eternal topic.

So this is how it ends....she called and everything shattered

A showdown was expected, later if not soon. But I didnt expect it to end this way. From me getting her number and saving it, foolishly enough, in place of Urvara to me messeging her, again more foolishly, writing something which could have spinned all the way around, to her brother calling me, and me mistaking him for just another someone, to finally, she calling, it was one hell of a ride.

Last four days gave me some of the strangest (someone stranger knowing all about me) to most beautiful (lying on rooftop with legs hanging down at 1AM in night, watching stars and feeling breeze on a 7 stored building) moments I ever had.

The highlight was, obviously, her call. It was not, in no supposed meaning, amiable. Not that I didnt say anything I had to say, or that she didnt listen. But rather than this, I can put it this way that she is now gone too far to pardon me, let alone come back.
I told her everything, wrong nowhere. But since it wasnt a patching up call, it was all fruitless. She called to make sure that I dont call her again, which I obviously wont, and had a successful venture. I wont say that she was rude exactly, but as far as she was from this, she was farther from amiable. It hurt, it did hurt. But I cant do anything, as I did everything I could. I told her my intentions and hopes, dreams and fate, but nothing moved her.
I cant say that she is wrong either. No. She is correct in her point of view, and to some extent, in mine too. I can feel her anger everytime someone in streets takes my name while she is passing, and understand that she never thought it would come to this. No doubt that she thinks I am responsible for this, and I wont deny that either. I did some, or many, follies which lead to this. She asked, she wept and argued me to not do those. But still I did. I just couldnt understand what harm they were making to her, or could potentially make. But harm they did make and I am repenting them more than I ever did.
But I cant get answer to one question. Were they all so big that she cant even forgive me now, even when she knows where I stand and whats going on with me? I told her my condition and all she answered was that I deserved that!

In the end, all I can write is that it has ended and now, for the remaigning part of my life, I should not hope that she will show any positive vibe, let alone calling me.........