Watering on settled dirt....just to end it officially

While writing this, I am listening to song 'where'd you go?' by 'Fort minor'. which contains these lines repeatedly-
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

As good as the song is, it reminds me of all that happened in last three and half years, within a moment. I have written about all that so many times that if I write again, it would be beating dead horse. Although I can argue that the same was true for my several tries, but thats another realm now.
Not that I was not pondering on that, but it was actually a call to Jyoti that made it all clear for me. She told me that Bhumika said her that if she was at Jyoti's place, she would have slapped her brother on doing such stupid things for a girl, asking why he just can't stop thinking about her. As subjective that statement can be considered, arguably it tells me the best thing to do.
So, here begins my last post about her. It has all ended now and what the call yesterday did was lighting my path.
Whenever I went to Chhoti sadri, to meet Jyoti or Sandeep, there was always a wish, howsoever small and howsoever far in the corners of my mind, that if only I could see her once. But now on, I curb this wish of mine forever. Whenever I will go there next time, if I will get time in my little remaining life, it will only be for my sister and my brother. No one else will exist there for me.
I kill this not because of any hate or anger towards Bhumika, but rather by realising that I have chased a mirage long enough. To say that I have no regrets of all that I did and happened, would be a lie. But to say that I wont regret them anymore, is as true as it comes.
It is strange that what ultimately taught me this was a very little statement made by her to Jyoti. I didnt learn when people told me that she was in relationship with some certain Manish in Indore, I didnt learn when she said it a thousand times that I was biggest mistake of her life. But what actually matters is that I know what to do, and in a better way actually.
Interestingly enough, in the playlist, now 'Ka-ching!' by 'Shania twain' is playing. Its lines-
'Can you hear it ring
It makes you wanna sing
It's such a beautiful thing--Ka-ching!'
are although said in a totally different context, somehow cheer me up. I dont have much time in life, but as much as it is, I hope it would be a little easier for I will stop thinking about her after a real real long time.
So Bhumika, I grant you your dearest wish. You wanted me to stop talking about you, or even thinking about you. So I will do. No one will again hear your name from my mouth, I wont think a single second about you and there is no way I will bother you again with anything silly. And once again I say, it is not because I hate you or anything like that. It is just that you wanted that and as a man who knows when his last breaths are going to leave, I grant you these. You were my friend for thirteen years, so it is the least I can do for you, although it is a bilt late. Hopefully you will be happy with Manish. I dont say this because I am jealous or am sarcastically questioning your character, but because I really mean it. May you get happiness forever.
So here, I leave all the thirteen years of frienship and one year of something more than friendship behind me, never to visit again. Wish me luck, wish me goodbye.

P.S.- Damn! Now 'Simon and Grafunkel' in their 'America' are saying-
Let us be lovers we will marry our fortunes together'.

Shut up! These wont change me, I have left it all behind. Pressing the next button......

What nightmares may come.......

Ever thought what if you knew when you were going to die? Even if it was said that it would take 15 years, wont you count the days, the weeks and each Sunday passing?
And what if it was said that it would be 5-6 months? What would you count? Or would you stop counting? Wont you see your death lurking just around the corner? Obviously, you will. But more than seeing, it is a matter of feeling. Many of us, with their bravo, can say that it wont even tarnish the shine of their hopes. But those who say, just try being at that place for real. You still have your hopes high, all dreams still standing? Dreams of love, of friendship and hopes of those dreams?
Will you chersih every remaigning moment or will spend it mourning? Will every passing day remind you of upcoming end or will it be beautiful memory of wonderfully spent time?
Who knows?
Couple it with constant pains and tears. What if you spit out blood everyday and can't even breathe proerly? What if your body is cut open 3 times already and you take 100 pills and injections everyday? What if all you feel all the time, in every moment, is pain?
And then what when people who once cared about you, become so non-chalant towards you that it doesnt matter to them that what happens to you?
Is it a nightmare I am drawing? Probably not. Just my two cents on this eternal topic.

So this is how it ends....she called and everything shattered

A showdown was expected, later if not soon. But I didnt expect it to end this way. From me getting her number and saving it, foolishly enough, in place of Urvara to me messeging her, again more foolishly, writing something which could have spinned all the way around, to her brother calling me, and me mistaking him for just another someone, to finally, she calling, it was one hell of a ride.

Last four days gave me some of the strangest (someone stranger knowing all about me) to most beautiful (lying on rooftop with legs hanging down at 1AM in night, watching stars and feeling breeze on a 7 stored building) moments I ever had.

The highlight was, obviously, her call. It was not, in no supposed meaning, amiable. Not that I didnt say anything I had to say, or that she didnt listen. But rather than this, I can put it this way that she is now gone too far to pardon me, let alone come back.
I told her everything, wrong nowhere. But since it wasnt a patching up call, it was all fruitless. She called to make sure that I dont call her again, which I obviously wont, and had a successful venture. I wont say that she was rude exactly, but as far as she was from this, she was farther from amiable. It hurt, it did hurt. But I cant do anything, as I did everything I could. I told her my intentions and hopes, dreams and fate, but nothing moved her.
I cant say that she is wrong either. No. She is correct in her point of view, and to some extent, in mine too. I can feel her anger everytime someone in streets takes my name while she is passing, and understand that she never thought it would come to this. No doubt that she thinks I am responsible for this, and I wont deny that either. I did some, or many, follies which lead to this. She asked, she wept and argued me to not do those. But still I did. I just couldnt understand what harm they were making to her, or could potentially make. But harm they did make and I am repenting them more than I ever did.
But I cant get answer to one question. Were they all so big that she cant even forgive me now, even when she knows where I stand and whats going on with me? I told her my condition and all she answered was that I deserved that!

In the end, all I can write is that it has ended and now, for the remaigning part of my life, I should not hope that she will show any positive vibe, let alone calling me.........

Must come in terms to this fact- she is no more here

It might not be an everyday thing that I study, or I game, or I call someone or even that I think about my future. But what happens everyday, every hour and in every moment of my life is that I keep thinking about her. Thousand of questions, conclusion and repents come in my mind. What I lost? Why cant I stop thinking? Why is so deep inside me? Whom I really miss? Why should I repent? Was all that my mistake? Why did I do this? What now? Will I ever be able to come terms with it? Will I see her ever again? Will she ever talk to me again? And so many more.
I have asked myriad people, discussed with many but what now comes out of those is nothing. No one ever faced a condition like me and no one will feel what I feel. A very common answer, or rather advice, that people give to me is that- 'She was one of many more who will come'. I dont understand. It leaves me nonplussed. Not about the authenticity of what they say or about whether I am that lucky or not. I am clear about these things. What makes me puzzled is the fact that after telling them all that, they didn't understand what I was really telling them. Is that a bloody competition or some award grabbing or some kind of compensation so that I will be happy when I get someone else? Do you really compare all your relations like that? To be honest, what I mourn about is not my girlfriend I lost, it is rather the friend I lost. We were friend from 13 years, 13 really good long years. We might have been detached for 7 years in between, but there was no time when I had forgotten her or she had forgotten me. When I met after all those years, they were some of the most beautiful moments of my life. It was all so beautiful, the rejoice of friendship in same sense it used to be 7 years ago. I, or rather we, recalled all moments we had spent together when we were little. Those fights and those plays, the climbing and falling, the swings and those rolls, that going to school with each other and coming back and every other sweet, sour and memorable moment.
What I am most ashamed of is the fact that it was me who ruined that precious friendship by taking it to next level. There are so many arguments initially I used to give me about this, and later other people started giving same arguments. That it is not really a bad thing to fall in love with someone else and that it was actually who called so much and put our relationship in danger. To me, now, these things dosent matter. Who was the one who first lost the track? who was the one who walked down that road first? Who was the one who started molding that beautiful friendship into something else? It was me. Now I realize that she wasnt really in love with me initially. The reason that she agreed was that I was just too precious for her to be lost, a too precious friend. So precious that she did pay the prize of whom later. I still remember her perplexed weeping when I proposed her. I didn't really understand it that day, but I know today why did she weep. She wasn't ready for that, she never thought of me that way. I was a real good friend for her, probably the best friend. She saw me on a path where there either we could go the way I was already headed or we could go back separately. She couldn't just let me go, so she said yes. I still recall what she said once again after a few days. She asked if we could be friends again. I didn't answer. I got angry. I couldn't see what tormenting she was facing inside, I was too short-sighted to see that. I was angry that how could one ask this after accepting the proposal? Now I realize how cruel I was on her. Now I wish I could go back to that moment and say to her that yes Bhumika, we can.
I disconnected her call without saying anything. She called again. She wept, said sorry. The irony was the even after being so tormented, she was the one asking pardon. Now I realize how precious she considered me.
It might be possible that she did start loving me, especially after seeing the events that followed. But does that matter to me now? Do I think that 'she was the one who called me everyday and wasted 15-20000Rs'? The answer is-Never. People, as I said, do console me by these statements about her wasting money and all.

The ultimate question that I face, from others and even from myself, is that what went so wrong that we went apart? The honest answer is- I don't know. I don't understand that why she started hating me so much when I was so precious to her? There are reasons, that I can think of, but they never mattered to her. She was with me after every hurdle, every setback, after every think that makes a reason for me. Be it her parents coming to know all about all those calls made and the debt remaining or be it me hurting her every time. She even remained with me when I thought it wasn't going to happen. My father went to her mom and smeared her in front of whole town, saying that she ruined his son's career. There was no way anyone was going to keep relationship with anyone, if that had happened to them. But she still called, after some days, and never asked any explained about all that happened.
If she treasured our relationship so much, then what so bad happened in the end that she turned her face completely away from me? The only incident that I recall was me going to her mom and, because of the way talks turned, telling her something I shouldn't have. But still, whatever I did, was nowhere as big as the propaganda my dad did. Then what else was there which I never knew of? Was there someone else? Or was there some misunderstanding? Whatever it was, she never gave me chance to explain. Or I might say that, I myself was responsible for that.

I remember the last time I talked to her (March 20th, 2005). She had never talked to me this way. Her words were- 'I hate you and nothing is possible in this lifetime' I kept asking her about the reason she was angry, and she kept saying that it dosent matter cause she dosent care about me anymore. Dosent care? Those were the words which probably hurt me most. There was a time when she cared more for me than anyone else, and then that was the time when she just didn't care!

All I ponder on now is 'why' she became so? What exactly was the reason? Not to say that I dont want her back. I want her back more than anything else in this world. And I dont want her back as a lover or girlfriend, I want the friend back whom I lost, I want our friendship of 13 years back. There is no day, no time when I don't wish that if only I could go back and keep the friendship alive. But after all I have tried, it really seems impossible in this lifetime. So all I realistically want to know is the reason why she became so cold blooded towards me, why she stopped caring.
But still, there is in some corner of mind, a voice that keeps telling me that my friendship was not so week, and it can overcome any hurdle. I don't know what the future holds, but one thing which has become clear in past 3 years, that I will never be able to forget her, the friendship which illuminated my life for a long long time and the care she did for me.

Review- Bioshock

If someone asks me the pinnacle of quality of video games, my answer, without hesitation, is Half life 2. It was a game playing which was experience of a lifetime, something that should be treasured.
After watching many promos, after reading many previews and finally after reading those pre release reviews, I was very much hoping the same kind of experience from Bioshock. So, did it deliver that kind of experience, is it all I was hoping for? We shall find out.




First of all, let this be clear that Bioshock is a great game. The only question is, how great it is?

It starts fantastically. Those people who played only demo initially and didnt have the whole game, would surely understand this. After plane crash, you find your way on strange light house in between the sea, Seeing no way out, you go inside and descend. And then Rapture, the under water city, is unveiled. This sequence is almost breathtaking. I call it 'almost' because of aliasing. This game dosent support aliasing, as most of the UE3 based games. You can force though, but that comes with a big performance drop.
After the great sequence, the game begins. You follow orders of a man named called Atlas. He is your guide who takes you into the depths of Rapture and shows you the path. I dont want to spoil any part of the story so play it yourself to know what happens.

First of all those things where Bioshock hits the chords perfectly. Foremost is Art direction. For those who thought it is impossible to combine art and game, this is the perfect example to prove what can be achieved. From 'My daddy is smarter than Einstein' girl to perfect differentiation between man and slave to grand theme of Rapture, there is art. If you get immersed, you will do nothing but marvel on how much attention was given to the setting and environment.

The second is sound. Every sound in the game is perfect. From the grunts of Big daddy to 'angel' of little sister to 'daemon' of splicers, there is no flaw to be found. Music adds another aspect in the whole setting. Many times you will listen 60s songs playing on tape recorders as you enter a new room. The perfect example of this is the room where you encounter your first Big daddy. Even vending machines are perfectly voiced (yes they have their own dialogues).




For me, perfection ends here.
As far as gameplay is concerned, it is just a bit different than Doom3. Yes, many of you wont agree. You will say Doom3 was a game where you couldnt get lost, even after trying, and Bioshock is not like that. But to be honest, I never got lost. I found everything linear, where there was nothing to do other than killing splicers most of the time. Almost all of the levels were like where some voice was asking you to do this, to do that. While comparing, in Half life 2, everything was much more intuitive and verbals orders were far (anyone remember reaching Black Mesa east?). Still, there are differences which Bioshock contains in terms of gameplay. The weapon system is unique and gives you at a load of different weapons than the traditional ones. The concept of plasmids is innovative.
The whole 'big daddy-little sister' thing adds some twists. As most of you would know, after killing big daddy, you must make choice of either harvesting the little sister (which she wont survive) and you will get adam, or to rescue her and you will get less adam. As for me, I harvested only once and still never had dearth of adam throughout the game.
No enemy in the whole game is much challenging, even the bosses and big daddies. And no, you can't kill little sisters.

When it comes to graphics, Bioshock, although not a letdown, isn't that great either. Water effects are good and lightning is nice, but thats about it. My biggest concern, as I already said, was the aliasing. No support of anti aliasing sucks. Other than that, I didnt like the blood.



I mean the color is fine, but how is it like a mesh?
Other than that, there was over use of particle effects. Rapture, despite being underwater, is shown so dusty that half of the time you would sneeze only. So much dust was distraction, not to mention it gave performance hits too.
On the brighter side, game is optimized very well. It is probably the smoothest Unreal Engine 3.0 experience.

Controls are fine. You cant complain about not finding particular plasmid or weapon some times cause there are so many of them that it would be hard to have perfect controls for them.
A.I. is good enough. No enemy is hard to beat, but they are smart enough to spot you and follow you. Bots are specially troublesome.

All in all, Bioshock is good game. More evolutionary than revolutionary and finally, I got to say it how harsh it may sound, not worthy of reviews as good as Half life 2.

Summing up-

Presentation- 10/10
Graphics- 8/10
Sound- 10/10
Gameplay- 7.5/10
Controls/A.I. etc- 8/10

Overall- 8.7/10